People are going to read this. I hope at least. Too bad more strangers do not read it; rather, people I know and people who happen to know my lover. This makes honesty rather difficult because I fear what I write my upset my lover. But now that I look at it, I realize that I should just be honest.
I have become dull in the bedroom. Contributing factors are my decrease in mental health, the effects of my medications, my overall physical health, and the perception of my body. My sex drive is not where I would want it; yet sometimes it is uncontrollable and I feel that I could stray from my lover.
The fear of my uncontrollable sex drive is less about guilt and more about the feelings of my lover. It would hurt him severely if I engaged in carnal activities with someone else. I do not want to inflict pain on him; therefore I do not have sexual engagement with others. I’m not going to lie and say it is not a challenge. It is a huge challenge and I struggle with it quite a bit. And it is not the result of my lover being unsatisfying. He satisfies me quite well. But he is not always there when I have this uncontrollable desire to “just get it in” (his words, not mine). I have been stimulated by people who I do not find sexually attractive doing asexual things. One example is one of my coworkers who I am good friends with patted me on the back in an asexual way. My loins were set afire and I found it stimulating. This of course was distressing. I began to ask my good friends probing questions about how they remain monogamous with this type of temptation flooding their systems. Unlike me, they expressed there was not temptation, just benign feelings. This was even more disconcerting. But then I see my lover and I just cannot think of anyone else as I throw myself at him. This, however, is not always the case.
A great majority of the time, I find sexual interaction a little uncomfortable. Remind all you readers, this has never been the case before. I have always had a voracious appetite. If I was not coupling with a male, I was pleasuring myself often (usually daily if I had the privacy, sometimes multiple times a day if I was really stoked). Now so many chemicals are shoved into my bodies, most altering sexual desires. On top of this, I have gained weight. I have never technically had a weight problem except for when I was really sick and lost close to forty pounds. I have had perceived weight problems, but I might have grown out of that. This, this is a weight problem. Not an obese weight problem, but an uncomfortable in my own skin problem. It’s not me. Dancing in the mirror naked has not happened in quite some time because I no longer find myself sexy. Looking at me is no longer arousing in and of itself. Of course this makes trying to arouse my lover more difficult. It also makes me less confident in my ability to perform well. I jiggle more in places where I never used to. I do not like it and it makes having intercourse much harder.
So I am on this awkward fence of being tempted to have sex with other people because I feel I cannot control my basic visceral needs and because at the same time I feel unattractive, fat, and not aroused. Now people may link this to me being engaged in sexual activities with one person for quite some time. I do not through because I know the problem is me. My mind is loopy and I am not the same as I once was. This makes me mediocre. I used to be so open, but right now I feel sex is no longer free for me. I feel I am trapped by my new found craziness. My emotions rapidly cycle. So it is me.
Relevance to past sex life: I am now boring. I do not feel I was boring before, and if I was it does not matter because in the past I did not care as long as I was not bored. Now I am boring. I do not want to try new things. We have so much vanilla sex because I am not willing to push the boundaries. I no longer bite, scratch and slap during an intense railing. I do not struggle and try to dominate. I do not force role play. And role play is tricky. I put on my plaid skirt and struggled with getting it on. This immediately made me un-aroused. My lover still was driven to ravish me and let me ride him, but I was not feeling it because I did not feel sexy. I did not feel like I deserved to be riding my man like a crazed school girl working to get an A is Calculus. This puts a damper on trying other situations. I no longer want to have sex in public for fear someone may see my fattiness or look my direction and think in their mind, “Dude that is one fucking ugly bitch. Why does she think she can fuck in public?” Over the summer while driving to Albany, my dear and I fucked at a rest stop in the broad day light. It was a blistering hot day, but there was no waiting. I was ready and dripping. He was hard and willing. It was a sticky, sweaty, hot quickie. I do not feel like I could do that now.
I am hoping this all passes. But what if it does not? What if I am unable to recover the sexual creature that resides inside of me? What if I am unable to open up and take the steps to make my sex life satisfactory again? I may be masturbating again (which is a good sign), but will this progress continue? Am I doomed?
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